On Patience
Maybe losing some patience isn’t the bad thing I always thought it was
This week has been filled with me saying or thinking the word “patient” a whole lot.
“Mommy is losing her patience.”
“How can we be more patient with each other?”
Narrating my emotions with my kids in hopes of calming myself down to avoid intensifying already big emotions while also reminding them to have patience if their sibling isn’t doing exactly what they want, when they want it.
“Have patience, he just needs time to get used to you and his new home.”
Encouraging my son and helping him see that he is doing a fabulous job caring for his new hamster (because he truly is).
“Be patient. It’s okay. It’s fine. Don’t say anything. Things will settle down.”
Telling myself that the arguments between my children will stop and we all are hot and tired and hungry so the best thing I can do is to take breaths and not say anything.
In these instances, patience does feel like the precise thing I need to tap into--let things pass, take a beat, and give myself grace in the meantime.
However, I have also noticed that I have been quietly reprimanding myself for not having the ‘patience’ I have cultivated and nurtured throughout my life.
When a colleague or acquaintance does or says something that is not helpful (or even harmful) to them or someone else, I end up gaslighting myself, assuming that I am overreacting or misunderstanding the situation. Telling myself to just have more patience.
Why?
Because I am such a patient person?
Yes, I do have a very strong ability to stay patient, calm and problem solve in any number of challenging situations.
But it’s not about that.
When I get mad at myself for not having the patience others (and myself) have come to expect, I realize that it’s often not really about patience at all.
It’s more about people-pleasing and my fear of letting anyone down, ever.
On the outside, I look calm and patient but on the inside I am simply scared of upsetting anyone. My needs and wants don’t feel as important as the needs of others. So I retreat, smile, and get compliments for my patience.
Of course, as a mom (and professional), I often need to be the adult in the room. I want to create a safe environment for my kids where they know that they are loved and supported, no matter what. My inside thoughts cannot always come out as is; a filter is needed to shape them into words and actions that align with how I want to show up in the world. Not because I am trying to be inauthentic but because I truly care. Empathy, kindness, and respect for others are critical to me and I strive to model those values to my kids and others.
Also, taking deep breaths and breaks before rushing to speak or act is something that most people would be better off prioritizing.
Myself very much included.
At the same time, I am actively working on caring less about what others think and not prioritizing what I think I should do over what matters to me most. Which means that sometimes I am not patient. I ruffle feathers. I say the things others don’t want to hear. With kindness and love, yes, but also with honesty.
Patience is great, but it shouldn’t be conflated with overcompensating, hiding your needs, or incessant people pleasing.